Today was supposed to be a good day.

It was just an attempt to be heard.  Saying anything I felt was necessary to get the attention I craved.  I wasn’t abused.  There were no late night visits into my bedroom by a drunken uncle or step-father. I was simply ignored.  Ignored.  I guess I had good reason to be.  Biologically, I wasn’t anybody’s kid.  There was no need for growing attachments or forming bonds.  No one had to love me because there was no point in connecting with someone who wouldn’t always be there – someone who didn’t deserve to be there. 

I don’t know that I agree with everything that happened in LA after those officers were found Not Guilty of assaulting Rodney King. The rage is understood. The retaliation is understood. Pulling people who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time from their cars and beating them as badly as King was beat, is not. The looting is not. I don’t believe in destroying the place you rest your head. It went from wanting justice to simply not giving a fuck. To lacking humanity. It’s disheartening. But what’s also disheartening is how we are the animals, the uneducated, the inferior but we only react to what is thrown at us. The question of how we should react to what’s happening in our country has me torn. We have a man who stalked and murdered a child because he “didn’t look like he belonged” and a struggle to charge him with doing so versus a woman being imprisoned for 20 years because she fired a warning shot. We have black men still being beaten, shot, and murdered by the police and those officers serving little to no time. How do we react? Where’s the middle ground between too little and too much? I know that each time I hear a new story, I get angrier but it always boils down to what do I do?

Kind of tired of being a mess.

I was supposed to spend my day in NY tomorrow. Supposed to but with most things in my life, those plans fell through. I’m tired of trying to get something together only to have it fail so I’m going to start doing what I want to do alone. I can’t drive but public transportation gets me from A to B just fine. If I knew the area a little more, I’d still go to NY but I’m going to dedicate my day to going to the bookstore and a local thrift store. I can no longer be bothered with waiting for  other people. If I keep doing that I’ll be waiting forever.